sigh...

Today was a reunion in Caen for YFU which is the organization I'm here in France with. I have been anticipating this all month, especially because my personne relaise was there and she never answered my email, so I've been like dying over here!


So I woke up early enough to get ready and eat and everything and by the time I was ready I was feeling pretty proud of myself because my host mom is very anal about being absolutly ready when she says its time to go. So I sat down on my bed to read a book until she called my name to leave with my shoes on and every thing.


Then all the sudden my host mom came into my room all pissed off and she saw that I was reading and she got even more angry, saying in her broken english, " Oh no,no I do NOT agree with that! This is very bad!" You should have seen the look on her face, I hate her looks! Her eyes get really wide when she's angry (which is a lot) and I have never seen her that angry before, it was really bad! And she was angry at me! So you can imagine that I was very alarmed and confused and annoyed all at the same time which is not a good combination! Alarmed because she was super angry, confused because I hadn't done anything wrong, and annoyed because she always does this and I freaken can't stand her looks!


So this went on for a while and I responed the best I could but I really had NO IDEA what the heck was wrong with the woman, what was wrong with sitting on my bed reading a book? She'd walked into my room and I wasn't on my laptop for once! (You can imagine how much she dissaproves of my laptop, like she disaproves of pretty much every thing else I do)


So yah, it had something to do with doing the dishes. I clean the kitchen after every meal that I participate in and also other chores that she makes me do from time to time (and dont get me wrong, I'm happy to help out, but she isn't very nice about it, she always acts like I'm being so rude and she has to force me to do stuff and so she works up this attitude about it before she even asks me in the first place!). She never indicated that she wanted me to do the dishes, not this morning not last night, not EVER. However according to her I must read her mind and that is the only way I can succeed in pleasing her!


You should have seen how furious she was (I'm not exajerating, it was very alarming!). After I grudgingly (but with a concerned look on my face, not an angry one) did the dishes, we left a half an hour late for Caen which is where the reunion was (and is 2 hours away).


Just me and her in the car sitting in a tense silence for the first 2o minutes until she just HAD to bring it up again, how she was so unhappy with me because I am so ungrateful and lazy (those are not her words exactly, this is me translating her half french half broken english tirade, and I repeat that I am being careful not to exajerate!), and that it was totally NOT ok with her. Well it just so happens that it was totally NOT ok with me!!!

That was the part where I sat there thinking, what have I gotten myself into, this is probably somehow my fault, what is wrong with me that I have totally screwed up once again? And my eyes filled with tears so I turned my head away from her, willing them not to escape my eyes. But she just kept going on and on and I tried so hard to explain to her that she has to freaken TELL me if she wants my help with something, how the heck else am I supposed to know!

I kept trying to say "you have to tell me that you want my help, how else am I supposed to know? You can't get angry with me, I do not think that did anything wrong!" But of course she didn't understand and I did my best to say it in french but she didn't understand that either and honestly she did understand enough to know what I was getting at but she rufused to see it from my point of view.

"Tu ne comprends pas!" I told her and she kept saying,"Si!"("You don't understand","Yes I do!" in english) and we got nowhere and finally lapsed into silence and few tears betrayed me but I mostly kept them in. I opened my book and tried to concentrate so I would stop crying. I hate crying infront of people, its so awkward, there are so many times where I'm trying so hard to hold it in and its nearly impossible, this was one of those times! What would she have done if I just burst into tears right there, I was so upset, I would have been sobbing. What would she think? Would it have helped me? Probably mentaly,yes it feels good to cry, but with the situation, I don't know.

We finally got there. I went in and sat down at a table with the other exchange students. The two french ladies who were in charge were asking every one questions about cultural differences and stuff. I would have just stared at the table so she wouldn't ask me anything but I had to pay attention because she was speaking french. And when she asked me a question, suddenly every one was staring at me and I understood what she said but didn't know how to reply in french so I said "uhh oui, mais j'sais pas comment expliquer en francaise" (yes but I don't know how it explain it in french). But she didn't take no for an answere and she kept saying things to me and she talked so fast, I couldn't understand every thing and it was so embarrasing, especially when some of the stuck-up-eropean-know-it-alls started translating for me in the most condescending way possible, it feels so terribel when people do that, I guess you would just have to be there. When people do that to me I usually just interupt them, which says, "I don't need your help, I'm not completely stupid!" So that was very emarrassing. Its always like that with people wondering why the heck I'm here if I suck so bad in french and they are so stuck up about it. I have my reasons, and people come to America all the time who hardly speak english at all and they eventually learn and we don't think its weird, they do it all the time! But apparently europeans don't think like that!

You can imagine how terrible I was feeling at that point! I just can be so stupid sometimes. It was just that I was so nervouse and I had a lot on my mind, so there! I can't stand that girl from sweden she is so stuck up!

It got better after that when I talked to this girl Ida who didn't understand much either and I also got to talk to Sasha from Latvia who I rode on the train with on the way to meet my host family and Josien who was one of my roomates at orientation. And I also made friends with Otto, a cute guy from Norway I think ,and Davids, from Latvia also. Its easy to make friends with other exchange students because we all have so much in common and we are so interstined in eachother. We all ate lunch together and that was fun. It was a potluck and I made home made applesauce and Ian, the other American really liked it. He had made apple pie and I really liked that!

After lunch I was finally introduced to my personne relaise! I got so nervouse when I tried to talk to her that I stuttered a little and couldn't figure out how to word things, so it was kinda of embarrasing and I felt like crying again so my voice got kinda high. And the worse part was. She didn't think it was as bad as it was! Or as if felt rather, I don't know how bad it really is but it feels totally HORRIBLE. It wasn't that she just brushed it off or anything. She is super nice! I told her every thing how my family doesn't like christians and how my host mom is always realy upset with me and she is so stressed out. She just explained away ,rationalizing every thing. I didn't really explain the full extent of my misery because I was trying to act mature about it and really because I didn't know how to say it. I did say that I as just really uncomfortable with my family and that I have been having a bit of hard time. She said she would talk to my host mom about this moring.

Her and my host mom talked for a loooooong time! You can imagine how nerve racking it was, sitting there with my friends at one table and watching them sitting over there talking about me!

On the way home my host mom told me that she was willing to forget this morning and start over tomorrow but when I pressed her, I found that she still didn't see it from my point of view and that she was just forgiving me because Nathalie (me personne relaise)probably convinced her to. Thankyou Nathalie! However I couldn't rest until I had made my host mom undestand where I was coming from! So I tried and tried and I think we sorta maybe had a break through and if that, a small one, but it was somthing still. I cried again (uggghh!) after that but she didn't notice and this time I was thinking that if Nathalie didn't understand the full extent of what was happeneing, that means I don't have hope of maybe getting a new host family, which means I maybe don't have any hope at all for things to get better. Don't get me wrong, I'm really trying here! But I just don't know how long I can go on like this with a long year looming ahead of me. I saw the other exchange students with their families and they were just so different with eachother, every one was so happy. I talked to my friend about how she liked her host family and she described them as ideal. I just don't understand why this has to happen to ME. I gave up so much to come here, and I have to know, is it worth it? I came because I thought I needed a change, I just wanted to be happy.
My other exchange student friends are having a blast so why not me? I just don't understand, what is wrong with me? Sorry to be such a downer, I really need some advice, please just give me your cold hard opinion, you can spare my feelings. I really don't understand this situation!

Proper Multi-Language Protocal Confusion (not THAT is a moulthful!)

Today I had lunch with my friends from art class! And yesterday I had lunch with some other girls in my class! FINALLY, I am making friends with some normal kids! Not that I'm not thankful for those who befriended me in the beginning but hey, its good to hang out with people who don't smoke between every class and wear all black. How the heck did I manage to make friends with them in the first place? Oh yah, I didn't speak any french and have a choice, but it was nice of them to help me out at first. I can tell it gets annoying after a while and they hardly talk to me any more, its just nice to have someone to stand with and not be a loner.
Yesterday I had a free peroid before lunch so I had to try and find my friends in the masive lunch confusion. I stood there forever looking like a loner and then this really nice girl from my class asked me if I wanted to eat with her and her friends! I was so happy because I really wanted to be friends with them! I know I sound like such a loser right now but, hey its hard being a stupid american in a foreign country! And when I say stupid american, I really mean that, my french is soooo bad!
So lunch was really great yesterday, the other girls I sat with were so fun, they reminded me of my friends at home, they just seemed a lot happier than my former emo lunch buddies. NOT that I have anything against emo people or anything like that, its just that they can be such downers! And who knew France had emos!? Its so wierd!
So I ate with my art buddies today because they invited me and that made me so happy=] The best thing about them is that they don't speak english. People here always speak english to me and they act like they have to. The thing is, in France its rude to expect people to speak english with you, you have to make an effort in french first until they realize that you are a helpless cause lol. But some people just always speak english to me and they act like I expect it, which I don't! And that gets really annoying after a while, because I want to be polite. The french are big on protocal, which I just keep learning the hard way. At lunch they introduced me to some of their other friends and they said that one of them is Anglaise. At least thats what I think they said when they introduced her. Sometimes it takes my brain a while to process the french, but I can't just stand there not saying anything because then I would look stupid so most of the time I just nod my head and pretend to understand lol.
The thing about Anglaise, is that it can mean either British or American which I find really annoying. Anyways I asked her in french, " tu est une etudient echange aussi?" Are you an exchange student also? And she replied in french also and I didn't understand a word of it because she spoke so fast but I just nodded my head politely and was cringing inside because I realized that it was probably wierd for me to speak french to her,I should have said that in english. I am so embarrassed now! Everyone here thinks I'm such an airhead, which I kinda am, uggh!
How the heck am I supposed to know, since when have I EVER experienced anything like this! I hate it when I mess up like this because french people aren't good at hiding how they feel. These people are all about body language and so when I mess up, I definitlely know it!
This isn't my first air-head moment, I've had a few others, and I'm sorry but french people can be sooooo bitchy sometimes! Everytime some one is rude to me here I try to calm myself down saying ,its just how they are, theres nothing I can do, I'm a foreigner, its hard! It can get so frusturating sometimes!
My personne relaise still hasn't replyed to my email! I had been having a really hard time and waiting was the worst! This weekend is a reunion for all the exchange students in my region and my personne relaise is going to be there so I'm going to talk to her. Every keeps asking me if I'm going to switch and when. I don't know! I don't know if I'm going to switch! I kinda want to but I just don't know. Its kind of a big deal to have to switch host families, but I really want to be happy here you know? I'm nervouse about talking to my personne relaise, I'm afraid that I won't say the right thing, I'm so bad at talking about stuff like that. I'm afraid that my mind will just go blank when I try to tell her why I'm unhappy. Its happened before!

I'm sorry I havent written in so long! I really just havent had anything to write about, I've been having a really hard time with my host family and its so frusturating. My host mom is crazy, I don't understand the woman! She is always upset with me and its getting to the point where I can't stand her. I finally sent an email to my personne relaise who is my contact at my agency about it and I'm waiting for her to reply.
I am so amazingly homesick, I feel miserable. I feel like a failure, why the heck isn't this working out!? I know this happens all the time to exchange students,especially because my grandma used to work for YFU (the agency I'm here with) so my mom knows all about it, but I'm so frusterated that this is happening to me, I just want to enjoy my time here.
Remember how I mentioned me having a little rash? I didn't even think it was a big deal then but my little rash has turned into a BIG rash. I have hives that come and go all over my body, its really bad. I get them really bad on my back and arms, sometimes I feel like my back is one big hive! They only come really bad at night time,though, so thats good that I'm not itching like crazy at school.
I'm developing a bad behavior pattern, I'm on my laptop alllll the time, all I ever do is play on my laptop and sleep all day, its really bad but I don't know what else to do with my time. I don't have any good books here. My mom is sending me my favorite book series but I've already read them a thousand times so my laptop is still a bit more interesting. I'm thinking about ordering some books from the amazon.co.uk but I'm not sure if my address here is..uh permanent at the moment so I have to wait and see. Any ideas of what I can do to distract myself?
Ok well now I'm going to answere questions:
The time differnce? I'm six hours ahead of Toledo time so I'm 7 hours ahead of you, Jackie.
Am I allergic to anything? Apparently I am now, my mom thinks its the laundry soap so I'm going to the store tomorrow to get some hypoallergenic stuff.
No one watches tv? Well thats just in my family and now I've discovered that they do watch it, but just a little, they only have like 10 channels though so I think they just watch the news sometimes
Do they have explicit stuff on tv and in the stores? Not that I've seen on tv since I've been here this time, last time, though when I went to Paris, I saw a verrrrry revealing lotion comercial. As for the stores, you have to go to specials stores for the explicit stuff just like in the US however, there are quite a lot of those stores around here. I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a flashing sign that said SEX SHOP on it lol, I wanted to take a picture but that would look really wierd.
Thanks for your comment Jackie :) I feel like you're the only one reading this blog lol.
Well I'm sorry to be so negative, I'll try to think of something funny to write for my next post!

School

The first day of school was kinda terrible, so I'm just going to pretend that it never happened, ok? The second day was much better! I made a few friends and I made even more friends on the second day! I didn't even expect to make any friends, its hard to rely on the kindness of strangers! The best one is Julie, she is soo patient with me and she always makes sure I know where my classes are. And she always speaks french to me first because she knows how much I want to understand (a lot of people have just given up on me and speak english), and she is just soo helpful, she is amazing! Also we have a lot in common because we both like to read! :)
My school is HUGE! It is also really ghetto lol. When Julie was showing me where the nurses office was we had to go through this one part of the school and she told me to be very careful when I walk through here because if you stare at any one or bump into them, they might beat you up! Ok, well I found that really funny but she was serious!
On thursday, I didn't get out of school until 6 o'clock!!!!! My schedual is really wierd! Like, I don't have any classes on wednesday, and sometimes I only have classes in the mornings and other times they don't end until 5 or 6 and also, I have one class on saturday. Overall, its not too bad though :)
I have been so so so tired lately. I think it is because of the stress. And also I think I have been getting a wierd rash. Last night my back itched like crazy and so I looked at it in the mirror and it just looked like.. well you know how you sometimes get marks on your face from your pillow after you wake up in the morning? It looked like that, only much bigger and I thought it was just from my shirt becuase I was really cold all day and had like 3 layers on and I was leaning up against my pillow reading for a long time. But right now I'm getting the same thing on my arm, it is soooo itchy and it does not look good! I washed my arm with hand soap and put some of theis Cetaphyl lotion stuff on it, so I hope that helps, it kinda looks like burned myself.I looked up the french word for 'rash' and 'to itch' but I can't guess how to pronounce them.
I have finally gotten exactly halfway through reading The Portrait of a Lady! this is a major triumph!! It is a very long boring book that was writtin in the 1800s and I don't know why I'm reading it! Its a classic,reading the classics makes me feel smart and its about a girl who goes to europe so I thought, its just like me! I've put it down for the time being and now I'm reading Northanger Abbey, which actually isn't that hard to follow. Well I really miss my 21st century books and I'm waiting for my mom to send them to me in the mail but that is going to take a while!
I know I was unhappy back home with school and stuff and with my parents because we fought all the time and I never felt like they loved me but now I miss it so much. It does not help that my parents were super nice and loving right before I left. I would give anything to wake up in my own bed and go downstairs and see my mom sitting at the kitchen table just like any other day. And to hear the tv blaring becuase Lia has bad hearing .My host family is so different, every thing is so quiet here! People even talk more quietly here I aways have to ask them to say something again because I can't hear. And they hardly ever watch tv and every one just minds their own business everyday and I wish some one would just bother me!!!
Wow I am crazy, ok then.
Thankyou for the comments! I love getting those they make me so happy! You want some more stories about France experiences? Ok well here is something really funny. I went school shopping the other day with my host mom and I was looking for conditionerd. Apparently people in France do no use conditioner and I don't even know the word for conditioner so it was pretty intersting. I found something that might be conditioner so I bought that but when I was looking at stuff in that isle there were also things like douche milk and douche gel! Lol that made me smile. The word for shower is douche in french. Also, I have had another major accomplishment!!! I have figured out the buttons on the toilette!!!!! They are for conserving water, one is for using a lot of water and one is for using a little water, it depends on the size of your...you know. lol so that was very exciting, I asked Julie when we went to the bathroom at school.
Ok well this is super long, I love you guys so much and hope you are doing ok, send me an email if you want! Anna.Kaiser1@yahoo.com
p.s. I promise to answere more questions in my next post because this one is rediculously long.

5 Days

I have been very upset for the past few days! So I wanted to wait until I felt better to write on here. This is what happened: At lunch on sunday afternoon my host-father asked me what kind of church I went to in America (catholique?). So when I told him I was a christian, he could hide how disgusted he was! There was a very tense silence that followed and they were all looking at eachother with pointed looks. It was so horrible that after lunch I went to my room and burst into tears! I cried a lot that day and the next because I was realizing what I have gotten myself into and I was very very scared! I even considered getting a new host family because how can I bond with a family that doesn't like chrstians when I am one?! I have decided that if anything else as horrible as that happens again I will probably call my agency. But other than that episode they are nice. My host mom and my host brother and the kindest to me. My host-sisters friends that are guys were very rude to me because I like McCain, but her friends that are girls are nice. None of them speak English, only a little. Yesterday I spent all afternoon at Anne Laure's freind's apartment. I was very patient and didn't mind too much but after they started being rude to me I really wanted to go home! We spent hours and hours there and the whole time I was just sitting all by myself. I am not exaggerating, I sat there like that hours.
I called my parents when we got home and balled my eyes out! Talking to my mom made me feel a lot better. Today I got an email from Friedrich and he is having a very hard time also, and knowing that made me feel SOOO much better.
Thankyou for leaving me a comment Jackie! I love getting comments!! They drive on the same side of the road as we do. One thing I have noticed is that they are very crazy drivers!!! Cars will get within a foot of pedestrains, I am not exaggerating and I know this because it happened to me!!
So I have been having a very hard time, but everyday gets better, and my french improves everyday too. I start school tomorrow, so its going to be a very exciting day and it will probably be very hard. Tomorrow is also my birthday, so it will be a very intersting day and hopefully not to emotional!

A few weeks before I left I was watching a travel channel show, Anthony Bordain. I don't like that guy because he is really overly sarcastic and he thinks he's really funny because of it, he tries to hard! lol But I watch it if there is nothing else on, plus he goes to really interesting places. Anyways, I forget where he was but he was staying with these people in like, India or somewhere like it and the man he was staying with was explaining to him how in his culture, pleople often go to stay with another family for 5 days. And that even just 5 days with a different family can change you forever and that this is a very good thing. He was trying to get Anthony to stay for 5 days but Anthony was too cynical and he wasn't feeling it. But Anyways it made a lot of sense to me and that guy seemed very wise! And I'm going to be here for much longer than 5 days!
So anyways, please leave me comments and I will try to write after school tomorrow!