Capotes ;]

So today I discovered the vending machine for condoms at my school. My friends were making use of it lol. I have to admit I was kind of shocked. I've been way to sheltered all my life. It feels strange to me how non chalant my friends here are about sex.
Not much is new. I saw on facebook yesterday that a guy I like broke up with his girlfriend! We're sort of friends, but he doesn't really talk to me that much. One time I was eating in the cafe at my school for lunch and he came up and said hi to me. We did the faire le bises thing and I turned bright red. BRIGHT red. He walked away right after, thankfully, but everyone at my lunch table noticed right away and started laughing hysterically. Nice. I somehow manage to embarrass myself very often here in france. My life is pretty much one big embarrassing moment!
Lately I've been feeling pretty lonely. I just don't have any really good friends here. People seem kinda cliquey, but in a way that I think they do it without thinking. They've all known each other their entire lives and I'm just the new girl who isn't staying long. But still, I just though it would be different. I can feel some people warming up to me gradually, but it takes forever, its kinda depressing sometimes. One day last week I just came home and called my mom and burst into tears!
I hate hanging out with Anne-laure and her friends. They totally just ignore me. And also most of them are kinda wierd and smell kinda funny. I really just can't stand people who smell funny. My host dad actually read a study that says french people bathe the least in western europe, and they use the most perfume. Nasty. Body odor mixed with perfume is just plain nasty!
Today we were waiting in line for lunch. Normally I try my hardest to find my other friends for lunch so I don't have to eat with them, but I couldn't today. I felt totally out of place. It was like I wasn't even there. I try to talk and follow the conversation, but they even like formed a little circle. I don't know what their problem is! But I don't think they do it entirely on purpose, if you can understand what I mean. Normally, I just tell myself to suck it up, that this is how I learn to be patient. But I've have enough of stupid patience, I don't even like them!! So I interrupted Anne-laure to tell her that I have a stomache ache and I wasn't hungry. I shoved my way out of the line, which is quite a feat let me tell you, and made my way to the cafe where I had seen some other people I knew earlier.
When I got there, there was only Thomas and he was helping a girl I didn't know with her homework. They looked pretty preoccupied but I sat down anyways, and then went and bought a sandwich. Thomas is super nice. I'm pretty sure he's gay, though my friends tell me he's bi. Whatever, he's really friendly. They both chatted with me for a while but then they left to go eat lunch so I was sitting at the table all alone feeling like a loser. I decided to organize my binder to make it look like I was doing something. There were a lot of other kids there, some of them glanced at me, the loser in the corner!
While I was doing that I didn't notice my friend Gil came in with some other people I know. I moved my stuff over to them and sat down. They were friendly to me, thankfully! Even at one point we were talking about cloths and I said I hadn't been shopping in forever and that I was dying to *hint* *hint* and automatically Gill was like, "wanna go tomorrow?" That was so nice, I was really happy. She seemed like she felt like going to. But I had to decline because I'm going out of town this weekend.
So that was pretty much my day. After that I came home and baked chocolate chip cookies for this weekend.
Tomorrow I'm going to Nimes for a little get together for my organization, and I'm going to spend the night there. There are supposed to be 5 other exchange students going to, but I don't know which ones, I know most of the exchange students who are in france right now, so I'm sure it will be fun. The only problem is that I have to take the train there all by myself. And, I have to switch trains at one point! I am SO going to get lost and miss my second train and be stuck in Marsaille all alone, I just know it! Oh well, Marsaille is one of the most beautiful cities in France and the weather has been super nice lately! Well, not matter what, I'm sure this train trip won't be like the one from Rouen to here because that was a night mare that I never wish to repeat! Still, I feel pretty nervous for tomorrow. Though I have learned from my nightmarish experience several survival tips to stay away from creepy rapist french men and for not missing the stop or the train, so I might be ok, just stressed out a little- a lot.
Never ever ask directions from a man, do not make eye contact no matter how hard they try, do not wear your hair down, don't look to pretty, ignore them at all costs, don’t look lost or worried, and act like a bitch when needed. The bitch thing really works ;)
My host brother does everything he possibly can to annoy me!! He is so freaking annoying, omg I have been getting so angry at him! It makes me really honestly upset, even though he’s not serious, I take it seriously because I would totally just die if something was really honestly wrong with my host family and me. He just doesn’t know when to stop! I know he likes to joke around a lot so I do take a lot of time to make him happy, but like I said, he doesn’t know when to stop! These days he enjoys calling me a sallope or a connasse(now sure how those are spelled) which are very rude words in French that more or less mean bitch. What if he really thinks that!? What if my host family really thinks that!? I know how irrational I sound, but still, I can’t help myself! I can become pretty bitchy if you constantly provoke me, but I’ve really been trying to be on my best behavior here! Even right now I am sitting here listening to my ipod on full volume because he won’t leave me alone. I told him I was busy and he could annoy after I finished writing this because I really like to concentrate. Haha I know that saying, you can annoy me afterward doesn’t really work, hence the ipod.
Other times he acts really super nice to me. My host parents told me they secretly think he’s “en amoure” with me. Yah, that’s not cute to me! One time my host mom told me that he kept asking all afternoon when I would be coming home from school for no reason at all.
I’m going to try to write more on my blog. A lot of times I just don’t feel like it because I feel like I don’t have anything interesting to write about, I’ll write about my weekend next week, promise.

Me Forgetting English!

I think I'm forgetting how to speak english! I don't even think in english anymore and I always dream in french now! The other day I could not remember if there is one m or 2 in the word 'hammer', and I wrote it down as one and then my french friend CORRECTED me! Wowwwww I am pathetic! But its sort of good in one way, at least I'm getting better at french!

The thing about being an exchange student is that you leave every thing behind and start a completly new life. At first its really hard and you're sad but little by little you change and you settle in to a new life that is more exoctic and exciting than your old one. And then you begin to love where you are and you never want to go back and it almost seems cruel that they would make you leave a place that you love again!

I never want to go back.. I miss america but still! I love France and I love speaking french. I love my school and I love my teachers (except for my english teacher but I'm switching out of her class).I love everything about the riviera. I love how the road winds through the mountains and valleys and how you can see the ocean from way up high on one side and the snow capped alps on the other. And I love my little village which was built before jesus, and all its cobble stone streets and old houses.

So basically, my parents said that I have to go back to TCS next year and I'm really upset about it. My mom is on my side so she convinced my dad to let me do the caleb program and post secondary so I don't really have to go to school and like that I can find a job and I can work in my free time. So its not that bad, but I can't help but think that I'm going to feel really lonely. I feel like I'm just losing my last year of highschool. I do want to go to school and be with other students and do all the fun things that seniors do. When I was in 7th grade I did the caleb program and I was sooooo lonely. Of course I was 13 then so its a little differnt but still. I don't know about this. I want to go to school, just, another school. I don't understand why my dad is so uptight about this, my mom doesn't understand either, she doesn't care whear I go. Why does HE have to have the last word!? It makes me so angry how controlling he is! I've been feeling pretty down latley, everything is just so hard :/ I'm going to call my mom tomorrow, sometimes that makes me feel better.

Today my friends asked me if I've ever been to a night club before. I think thats a good sign that they are going to invite me! That is so exciting! Well I certainly won't be drinking!

a great start to 2009!

Here in france, I'm learning lots of important life lessons, for instance, never ever ever drink vodka.. I spent my new years puking my guts out. It was so terrible I shouldn't have gone, I didn't even feel like going in the first place, but I've been wanting to make friends so badly so I went anyways. I only had 1 glass of vodka and one glass of something else made from apples and thats all. Infact I didn't even finish the vodka, I spilled it! Then the next thing I knew, my friends were pulling back my hair and I was puking, I'm serious it went on for like 2 hours. I have never felt so sick in my life, I couldn't even stand up- I couldn't even sit up! My friends were really nice to me, they really took care of me, so that was good but I feel really embarrassed. We all slept in the basement and it was amazingly cold so I slept horribly, then this morning I didn't feel any better, I was the first one to leave. I walked home because it was in the same neighborhood. When I got home no body was awake yet thankfully, because I smelled like vomit and cigarrete smoke =[. I took a shower and then decided to take a bath and then I just sat there in the tub forever. After I got out I threw my cloths in the washer and went to bed. What a crappy new year, I didn't even notice when it turned midnight, I was puking by then..
I miss everything about home, but its worse because yes, I have friends here, but we just don't have anything in common. What am I supposed to do?!
But things with my family are great, christmas was good, we've been doing a lot of fun things-visiting all the tourist stuff in the area and the other day we went to Monaco! We might spend the day in Italy friday, if not we'll go eventually, they said.
I'm just really stressed out because I miss home and I don't have any good friends and I'm completely crazy when it comes to whether my host family likes me or not. They DO like me, I know. But sometimes the smallest thing sets me off and I spend days thinking they hate me and I've ruined it, all because of something small that actually didn't mean anything and I realize that later of course. And now this stupid party. I should have stayed home, my host family was having friends over. But I was invited to the party before they invited their friends, so I went to the party. But I felt kind of bad about it before hand and I wasn't sure what to do.WHAT WAS I THINKING! I don't think I'll ever go to a party again, I'm serious, I never like them, and at the moment, just the thought of alcohol makes me feel like I'm going to puke again. I was barely able to eat something for breakfest, I just had a piece toast and a slice of cheese( and yes its normal to eat cheese whenever here, my host family eats it all the time because theres a gazillion special cheeses in france)It was an effort to eat breakfest. Before hand I drank like half a gallon of cold water (before my host family woke up, it seemed to help.
I'm too afraid to lie to my host family so I just told them the truth, their not like my real family who would TOTALLY freak out if they knew.
So yah, I'm embarrased and upset and sick, and my hair still smells even though I washed it really well.