sigh...

Today was a reunion in Caen for YFU which is the organization I'm here in France with. I have been anticipating this all month, especially because my personne relaise was there and she never answered my email, so I've been like dying over here!


So I woke up early enough to get ready and eat and everything and by the time I was ready I was feeling pretty proud of myself because my host mom is very anal about being absolutly ready when she says its time to go. So I sat down on my bed to read a book until she called my name to leave with my shoes on and every thing.


Then all the sudden my host mom came into my room all pissed off and she saw that I was reading and she got even more angry, saying in her broken english, " Oh no,no I do NOT agree with that! This is very bad!" You should have seen the look on her face, I hate her looks! Her eyes get really wide when she's angry (which is a lot) and I have never seen her that angry before, it was really bad! And she was angry at me! So you can imagine that I was very alarmed and confused and annoyed all at the same time which is not a good combination! Alarmed because she was super angry, confused because I hadn't done anything wrong, and annoyed because she always does this and I freaken can't stand her looks!


So this went on for a while and I responed the best I could but I really had NO IDEA what the heck was wrong with the woman, what was wrong with sitting on my bed reading a book? She'd walked into my room and I wasn't on my laptop for once! (You can imagine how much she dissaproves of my laptop, like she disaproves of pretty much every thing else I do)


So yah, it had something to do with doing the dishes. I clean the kitchen after every meal that I participate in and also other chores that she makes me do from time to time (and dont get me wrong, I'm happy to help out, but she isn't very nice about it, she always acts like I'm being so rude and she has to force me to do stuff and so she works up this attitude about it before she even asks me in the first place!). She never indicated that she wanted me to do the dishes, not this morning not last night, not EVER. However according to her I must read her mind and that is the only way I can succeed in pleasing her!


You should have seen how furious she was (I'm not exajerating, it was very alarming!). After I grudgingly (but with a concerned look on my face, not an angry one) did the dishes, we left a half an hour late for Caen which is where the reunion was (and is 2 hours away).


Just me and her in the car sitting in a tense silence for the first 2o minutes until she just HAD to bring it up again, how she was so unhappy with me because I am so ungrateful and lazy (those are not her words exactly, this is me translating her half french half broken english tirade, and I repeat that I am being careful not to exajerate!), and that it was totally NOT ok with her. Well it just so happens that it was totally NOT ok with me!!!

That was the part where I sat there thinking, what have I gotten myself into, this is probably somehow my fault, what is wrong with me that I have totally screwed up once again? And my eyes filled with tears so I turned my head away from her, willing them not to escape my eyes. But she just kept going on and on and I tried so hard to explain to her that she has to freaken TELL me if she wants my help with something, how the heck else am I supposed to know!

I kept trying to say "you have to tell me that you want my help, how else am I supposed to know? You can't get angry with me, I do not think that did anything wrong!" But of course she didn't understand and I did my best to say it in french but she didn't understand that either and honestly she did understand enough to know what I was getting at but she rufused to see it from my point of view.

"Tu ne comprends pas!" I told her and she kept saying,"Si!"("You don't understand","Yes I do!" in english) and we got nowhere and finally lapsed into silence and few tears betrayed me but I mostly kept them in. I opened my book and tried to concentrate so I would stop crying. I hate crying infront of people, its so awkward, there are so many times where I'm trying so hard to hold it in and its nearly impossible, this was one of those times! What would she have done if I just burst into tears right there, I was so upset, I would have been sobbing. What would she think? Would it have helped me? Probably mentaly,yes it feels good to cry, but with the situation, I don't know.

We finally got there. I went in and sat down at a table with the other exchange students. The two french ladies who were in charge were asking every one questions about cultural differences and stuff. I would have just stared at the table so she wouldn't ask me anything but I had to pay attention because she was speaking french. And when she asked me a question, suddenly every one was staring at me and I understood what she said but didn't know how to reply in french so I said "uhh oui, mais j'sais pas comment expliquer en francaise" (yes but I don't know how it explain it in french). But she didn't take no for an answere and she kept saying things to me and she talked so fast, I couldn't understand every thing and it was so embarrasing, especially when some of the stuck-up-eropean-know-it-alls started translating for me in the most condescending way possible, it feels so terribel when people do that, I guess you would just have to be there. When people do that to me I usually just interupt them, which says, "I don't need your help, I'm not completely stupid!" So that was very emarrassing. Its always like that with people wondering why the heck I'm here if I suck so bad in french and they are so stuck up about it. I have my reasons, and people come to America all the time who hardly speak english at all and they eventually learn and we don't think its weird, they do it all the time! But apparently europeans don't think like that!

You can imagine how terrible I was feeling at that point! I just can be so stupid sometimes. It was just that I was so nervouse and I had a lot on my mind, so there! I can't stand that girl from sweden she is so stuck up!

It got better after that when I talked to this girl Ida who didn't understand much either and I also got to talk to Sasha from Latvia who I rode on the train with on the way to meet my host family and Josien who was one of my roomates at orientation. And I also made friends with Otto, a cute guy from Norway I think ,and Davids, from Latvia also. Its easy to make friends with other exchange students because we all have so much in common and we are so interstined in eachother. We all ate lunch together and that was fun. It was a potluck and I made home made applesauce and Ian, the other American really liked it. He had made apple pie and I really liked that!

After lunch I was finally introduced to my personne relaise! I got so nervouse when I tried to talk to her that I stuttered a little and couldn't figure out how to word things, so it was kinda of embarrasing and I felt like crying again so my voice got kinda high. And the worse part was. She didn't think it was as bad as it was! Or as if felt rather, I don't know how bad it really is but it feels totally HORRIBLE. It wasn't that she just brushed it off or anything. She is super nice! I told her every thing how my family doesn't like christians and how my host mom is always realy upset with me and she is so stressed out. She just explained away ,rationalizing every thing. I didn't really explain the full extent of my misery because I was trying to act mature about it and really because I didn't know how to say it. I did say that I as just really uncomfortable with my family and that I have been having a bit of hard time. She said she would talk to my host mom about this moring.

Her and my host mom talked for a loooooong time! You can imagine how nerve racking it was, sitting there with my friends at one table and watching them sitting over there talking about me!

On the way home my host mom told me that she was willing to forget this morning and start over tomorrow but when I pressed her, I found that she still didn't see it from my point of view and that she was just forgiving me because Nathalie (me personne relaise)probably convinced her to. Thankyou Nathalie! However I couldn't rest until I had made my host mom undestand where I was coming from! So I tried and tried and I think we sorta maybe had a break through and if that, a small one, but it was somthing still. I cried again (uggghh!) after that but she didn't notice and this time I was thinking that if Nathalie didn't understand the full extent of what was happeneing, that means I don't have hope of maybe getting a new host family, which means I maybe don't have any hope at all for things to get better. Don't get me wrong, I'm really trying here! But I just don't know how long I can go on like this with a long year looming ahead of me. I saw the other exchange students with their families and they were just so different with eachother, every one was so happy. I talked to my friend about how she liked her host family and she described them as ideal. I just don't understand why this has to happen to ME. I gave up so much to come here, and I have to know, is it worth it? I came because I thought I needed a change, I just wanted to be happy.
My other exchange student friends are having a blast so why not me? I just don't understand, what is wrong with me? Sorry to be such a downer, I really need some advice, please just give me your cold hard opinion, you can spare my feelings. I really don't understand this situation!